Fear: To be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

I lived in fear and doubt for many years. I lived in a box that was closed, and sealed, protecting me from the world, and everyone in it. I never wanted to come out that box, except to get some water and to use the bathroom. I was safe there. When I looked around me, all I saw was four walls, with no pictures, and nothing to look at, except the glass that I used for my water. Sometimes, I'd look thru a peep hole that I cut out so I could see what was going on. I wanted so badly to come out, but it was the fear that was within me that didn't allow that to happen. I didn't want to relive the pain I had been living for so many years, but at the same time, I knew I wasn't living at all. I couldn't continue to rot away in that box, it began to smell, it began to get smaller and smaller. I was starting to out grow it, and at some point, I would have to come out. I finally got up enough courage to emerge from that hell hole. I'd been in there for awhile, so everything looked different. The fresh air that filled my lungs felt so good. As I looked around me, I saw no danger in sight, so I looked around. Step by step, my confidence grew. The fear started to diminish, and it was time to start living once again.

Assets: A useful or valuable thing, person, or quality.

I came to realize how valuable I am. I came to realize how valuable my life is and can be. There is always room for improvement and change. It was time to explore that. I had options, I had choices. I reached out to get the much overdue help I desperately needed. At first, I was embarrassed to get help. I was scared to talk about it. I knew that was the only way to repair the damage. No more band-aids, it was time to go into surgery. Stanley, my therapist, was an asset to me. He helped me channel the fear into constructive, positive things. We had a check list. Things I could do that made me happy, things that gave me peace in my life. Stanley get me the tools to control the anger, and the fear. I still use that check list today, referring to it at times. It was a check list that showed was I was going, and where I could end up. I was able to process things more effectively. I was able to understand things, and put them in perspective. The cloud that hung over my head everywhere I walked. Stanley taught me how to turn negative things around, and make my situation better. He saved me.

Obstacles: A thing that blocks one's way or prevents or hinders progress.

I've had many obstacles throughout my life. It was these obstacles that I needed to have in front of me in order for me to move forward. I believe in failure and defeat, it's needed for growth. I believe in making mistakes, and learning from them. Life is what it is, but life is also what you make it. Each day presents itself with its own set of challenges. I took those challenges head on, without fear, without prejudice, and without regret. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, those reasons are unknown. Obstacles are the building blocks of life. They will always exist. There supposed to. Without obstacles, life would be a breeze, but that's not realistic. What I've gone through has made me the man I am today. I don't get upset about it anymore. I embrace it. It's a constant reminder of what lies ahead for me and my future. I am doing so many positive things that I'm proud of. I've made it through the worse, and can't wait to see what is in front of me, waiting for me. Good or bad, I have put myself in a position to deal with it.

Fear is my friend

Run and hide for what

Stand tall and strut

Enough is enough of me kneeling in the cut

I'm the alpha male 

The leader of my pack

You bite me, I attack 

Tom Brady

Quarterback

That fear, he is my dude

No need to be so rude

Butchered and barbecued

Don't catch no attitude

Just be cool

Don't be a fool

I got tools

To bury you in the ground 

No hopes of being found

You acting like a clown

Don't look at me and frown

I'll make you cry

You'll drown

In your tears

Have no fear

He's my friend

From beginning to the end

Remain on my good side

I'm certified to ride

You're guaranteed to fry 

Hot oil, just don't ask why

Some napkins if you would

It's finger licking good

Today will be a good day. Woke up feeling right. I had a couple aches and pains, but I'll blame that on getting old. I'll take a walk and shake that off. I was thinking what will I do today. Maybe go for a bike ride, or hit up the grocery store. I haven't decided yet. I'm thinking I will just let it flow, just let it happen, take a "the hell with it" approach. Yeah that's what I'm going to do. It feels right. It's almost 10:00 AM right now, had my tea, had my breakfast, now it's time to feed this brain. Gonna get into this book called The Alchemist. It's dope, got me open. I can't put it down. Can't wait to hit up Barnes and Nobles to pick up some of Coelho's reads. I like this dude. Gonna throw on my hoodie, go outside and get back into this book.

It's mid October. It's starting to get a little nip out there. I'm a November baby, so I'll be in my element. I'm not a fan of summer. Fall is my favorite time of the year. The leaves start to fall, and the trees go to sleep. They need rest too. When you exhale, you can see your breath, and when you step out in the morning, that cool air wakes you right up. The squirrels are running around getting their stuff ready gathering acorns, and whatever else they can get their paws on. I sit out there and watch all this happen. I need me one of those fire pits. I'll put that on the to do list today. I need it for the chilly evenings when I want to go outside and chill. I'm sparking that tonight. Light my cigar, sip my cognac, and relax. That's the plan. I wonder what I will have for lunch. Maybe I'll cheat and grab a burger or something. Hey, why not, It's one of those days. Anything goes. I may even get myself some Haagen Dazs Butter Pecan. I'm not supposed to, but again, anything goes today. I've been busting my ass with work and school, so I'm gonna break out today. I owe it to myself. Ain't nothing wrong with a treat once in a while. I don't mean to be, but I'm going to be selfish for a bit. Get myself in order. That's the only way I will be any good to anyone else. I've thought a lot about that this week.

Today, I will live for today. Tomorrow isn't here yet, so I can't speak on it yet. I'm going to do what makes me feel good from now on. I'm going to live how I want to live. I'm going to do what I want to do. I like peace. I want to be a free spirit. I don't want to be a worry rat. It will all work itself out. I'm going to enjoy my day today. I'm going to enjoy that chilly air out there. I'm going to eat that burger, jump on that bike, peel open that book, get my fire pit, and indulge myself in that Butter Pecan Haagen Dazs. I got nothing else to lose, and everything to gain.

When I stop, I notice

When I stop, I notice

What's going on around me

Listening

Observing

Keeping quiet about it 

Take a mental note

Can't forget it 

I will need it later

Here and now, I get it

I just realized what I can become

Determination sets me apart

As I stand in the breeze

It blew over my head

Shuffled everything up there around

And made me understand

Everything went quiet

All I heard was my heartbeat

It made me think 

Take it all in 

The good with the bad

Laughter and sadness

It's all good 

It is what it is 

Accept it, and keep it moving

Put a smile on that face, if it's the right thing to do 

Hell, do it anyways

It's OK 

You won't be judged

Don't wobble when you stand

Take you right foot

BOOM

Take you left foot

BAM

The hurricane is coming 

Don't get blown over

That's your task for the day

If you don't complete it

I'm kicking your ass

I know I come hard 

But I believe

I believe in failure and defeat

You need it to succeed

There ain't no silver spoon in my mouth

I earn what I get

Blood

Sweat

Tears

Fears

Makes it mine

And this Gorilla Glue

Only way you getting it is to cut out my hands

I dare you

Breathe thru your nose

And out your mouth

Several times 

Before you swing that guillotine 

Sharpen it first

These hands are like rocks

I'm keeping what belongs to me

I worked to dam hard to get it

Get your own wisdom 

Get your own smarts

If you want to go about this differently 

We can do that

I'll loan you some

We can both get something from it

I first want to thank everyone that has helped me throughout my life. My journey has been a turbulent one. I still have a ways to go. Each day is a learning experience for me. I use my writing to tell my story. One thing I have learned is that living in fear and doubt is not living at all. I write from my heart and soul. Thank you for reading this very personal story.

I was always a kids kid, caring, and worrying about nothing except playing with my friends, Saturday morning cartoons, my birthday, and what I was getting for Christmas. My mother struggled a bit after she divorced my father, but her struggle made me a stronger person. I know that now. Eventually, my mother remarried, and gave birth to my younger brother. I called myself taking care of him. I was a big brother, and demanded my mother teach me how to change his diapers, feed him his food, and let him sleep in my room with me.

I can remember one day, my mother went downstairs to get the mail, and to speak to a friend. I decided that my brother needed his hair combed. He was a little guy, so his hair was on no ones mind but my own. I combed his hair, and must have used almost a whole container of hair grease to slick it back. My mother came back upstairs and had no choice but to look at me and laugh. She caught me with the comb in my hand, and the container of hair grease in the other. I was sure I'd be in trouble with her for that, but I wasn't. All she said was that she didn't see me being a hairstylist in the future. When my step dad got home, I remember my mother telling him the story at the dinner table, but he sat there with this blank look on his face. I guess he didn't see any humor in it.

I was always on a tight schedule, having to be in bed by 8:00 PM. My room was next to theirs, our apartment wasn't that big, but we made it work. My brother didn't sleep in my room that night, he was cranky, and didn't want to go to sleep. I was out for the count, my mother tells me to this day that I started snoring at a young age. I woke up, having to use the bathroom, did so and went right back to bed. My step dad went right after me to the bathroom as well. When he was done, he came into my room and called my name. "Patrick, Patrick are you asleep?" I told him no, I just finished using the bathroom. He told me that he wanted to show me something, and I that couldn't tell anyone. I said ok, what is it? He took off his pajamas, and got in my bed with me. He wanted me to touch him, he told me that I have the same thing he had, and wanted me to touch his. I told him no, I guess I was too loud, and was told to keep quiet. He got on top of me, and as he did, something must have spooked him, and he jumped off the bed. My mother came and stood in the doorway and asked him what he was doing. He said "nothing, just checking up on Patrick." They both left, and went back to bed.

I just laid there, not really understanding what was going at that moment, but I was upset, I was mad. I remember replaying what happened over and over in my head. I then knew what happened, but didn't know how to put into words. I internalized what happened. I decided not to say anything to anyone. I was told I couldn't. All I thought about was my mother. If I said something, she would have to struggle again, and I didn't want her to have to go through that again. So I went on as if nothing happened. I blocked out the fact that I had been abused by my step father. He took care of my mother, he took care of me, and he took care of my brother. The birthday and Christmas gifts got bigger and better, I was a kid, with not a care in the world, until now. I saw myself starting to play with my friends less and kept to myself. They would come to ring my bell and ask if I could come out and play. My mother would always ask why I didn't want to go outside. I would just tell her I didn't feel like it, or my friends and I are not friends right now, anything except what I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I used to send her messages, like hiding my underwear under my bed. I thought that if I did something weird, she would figure it out what was really wrong. I became a loner. I became mad at the world, and everyone in it. I was mad at my mother because she should have came in that room 10 seconds sooner. I was mad at myself for being afraid to tell her. She would always tell me to tell her everything, I did tell her everything, except the abuse. Things in my life started to suffer. School was not good, I stopped speaking to my friends, and I stopped speaking to my family. All I had was me and the cat that I found outside.

It's 19 years later. I'm all grown up now. It was 19 years later that I told my mother. One day she said to me "Patrick, what is wrong with you?" I still couldn't tell her, so I wrote it down and left, because my step dad was in the house, and I didn't want him to hear anything. That moment, everything changed. My mother confronted my step dad. He initially denied everything. That sent me in a rage, but at the same time, I was able to take a huge weight off my chest by telling my mother. It answered so many questions she had. All the little weird things I did made perfect sense to her. I was walking down a never ending road before I told her. Finally letting her know opened up many other doors for me. I finally got the much needed help I needed. I was able to put things into perspective, I was able to start putting my life in some type of working order. That never ending road now had a stop sign. I learned that keeping things inside would just make me rot away. The negative energy was something I started to put out of my life. That was the toughest, lowest point in my life. I went through so much to get where I am today. I learned to be a better person, being mad at everything, and everyone was not the way to live. I couldn't allow the abuse to put the choke hold on my life that it did. I had to let go of 19 years of beating myself up. I have learned to forgive my step dad, I will never forget, but I had to forgive him. Life experiences make a person who they are, and who they can become. Sometimes you have to be torn down and built back up to find success and to be at peace in life.

Almost There


As I progress 

I get stressed

Clear my head, I need some rest

Time to put new innovations and ideas to the test

I see things differently now

Sitting back and observing what's going on around me

Looking, listening, taking notes 

Like The Matrix, it's time to get unplugged

Connect to reality

It's not all about making a good salary

Feeling good about life is what's real

Taking control of self is the deal

Having a bad day?

The hell with it, throw it away

Burn it, boil it, bury it

Or get lost in your quest

Mission status 

Be mindful

Know what's up

Check in often

Be certain of your truth

Go online, check your progress, and your power reserves

Don't run out of juice

If you crash

Get an estimate, and find out how long the repair will take

There's no telling 

Can't rush perfection

Let it run its course

Keep in mind 

What's good in life

Milton Bradley has his own idea

Create your own thing 

Understand this is not a game

Stay focused on the objective

Don't stray from it

Keep smiling

Keep striving 

For bigger and better

If you need access to other side

Let me know

I have the keys 

Jobs are like stepping stones, jumping from one to the next, like frogs to lily pads. When I turned 15, I got working papers from school, and started bagging groceries at Star Market. My uncle got me the job there. I had no prior work experience, so my options for work were limited. I was taught how to bag groceries, eggs and bread, cereal and milk, fruits and vegetables. I didn't take me long to get the hang of things. Eggs on the bottom, bread on the top what was the constant reminder at work. Going to work, and making my own money gave me a sense of responsibility.

Working 3 days a week put some money in my pocket. I'm 15 years old, so any amount of money was good money to me. I had no bills, I had no responsibilities. Just me to worry about. I worked every weekend, that's when the store was its busiest. I met lots of people, and learned a few things along the way. The boss liked me. I knew a promotion was coming, Steve, my manager kept talking about it. Shortly after turning 16, I was trained to be a cashier. It was a big deal. Steve made sure to constantly remind me of that. Ms. Toon trained all of the new cashiers. I remembered her telling me that I had two left hands, because I couldn't figure out the swim technique, a constant flow of product moving over the scanner. I was very good at dealing with busy lines, and speaking with the customers. Ms. Toon liked that about me. She'd always praise me. That made my 16 year old head blow up like a balloon. Couldn't tell me anything. In those days, a kid being a cashier was a big deal. My friends were always jealous, I'd always have the newest sneakers on at school. I wasn't selfish though, I would treat my friends to candy and chips at the store before school. I worked at Star Market for about two years. At first, it was fun and games, but it soon got serious. As I started my second year working, people started looking up to me. People older than me were coming to me on how to do something at work. I knew how to handle it. I embraced it. I learned from it. I learned how to be a leader. That carried on with me throughout the years. I was vocal, and asked lots of questions. Not out of curiosity, but because I wanted to learn, I wanted to grow as an individual.

I worked plenty of jobs after Star Market. They all had one common factor, they were all leadership roles. Working at Star Market gave me a backbone. People knew when I was around. Being 16-17 years old, it was a lot to put on my shoulders, but I wanted it, I needed it. It was the underlining key to my later undiscovered success that I hadn't known about yet. I viewed things differently, I processed things at a much higher level. I wanted bigger and better. That was my mindset. That's what I worked towards. After I look back at things, I was put in positions and situations for a reason. People came in and out of my life for a purpose, always leaving something for me to remember before they moved on or stayed. I figured this out early on during my time at Star market. I remember working at Au Bon Pain as one of the managers. I worked my way from the bottom, and again my leadership driving me to the top. Ms. Murphy, the district manager took me under her wing. I used to tell her all the time that she should be worried about her job, because I was coming for it. We worked well together. She looked up to me, as I did her. One day I slipped up. I didn't open the store on time one morning. I was taken off the schedule for a week. I let Ms. Murphy down. It was difficult for me to face the music, but I knew eventually I had to. The following week, I was put back on the schedule. the store was open right on time with an early morning visit from Ms. Murphy. She sat me down and looked at me with her glasses hanging off her nose like they always do. She said "Do you know why I took you off the schedule?" I gave her the obvious answer. "Because I didn't open the store on time right?" She replied no, "that's why we have two managers open." She said that she wanted this to be a learning  experience more than anything. She told me that it's important for me to learn hurt and failure early in life, and that it's not always going to be smooth sailing. At first, I thought it was sort of harsh. After having sometime to process it, that message continues to resonate with me today. When I soon found out that Ms. Murphy was moving on, I decided it was time for me to move on as well. I would be soon leaving for college, so the timing was perfect.

Off to UMass Lowell I go. My friend Jacob talked me into it. That peer pressure is serious. We were roommates there. things went fine until it was time for my first lecture class. Imagine the end zone of a football stadium being the lecture hall. I graduated from a small high school with 22 other students. So going from 22 classmates to over 400 did something to me. All the character building, all the self exploration became non existent. I tried everything. I went to the professor, I got a tutor, I even brought a tape recorder to record the lectures. I stood alone, helpless, and was starting to get angry about how things were going. Ms. Murphy's talk became so relevant once again. All I heard in my head was "I told you everything wouldn't be smooth sailing," as if she were standing on my shoulder. On my other shoulder was six pack of beer telling me to drink my problems away. That's exactly what I did. I went to every party, every night there was one. Drinking and going to parties became my school work. Jacob tried to get through to me, but that didn't last long. Bud Light became my books, and the brown bag it was in became my backpack. After 3 semesters, I became academically ineligible an was kicked out of school.

I had to move back home. Being there was like being on a battlefield. I had to do something, or I'd be kicked out the house for sure. My mother had zero tolerance for certain things, and doing nothing was one of them. My mom was a city employee. She had been for almost 30 years. She came home one day and gave me some paperwork. It was paperwork to take an exam for a job. I took the exam, and was quickly offered a job. It was a custodian position. I felt 15 again, starting all over. It's funny how life takes its many twists and turns. I became even more angry. I wanted better for myself. I started networking, meeting people, talking to people, seeking out my next stepping stone. I needed to channel this rage into something productive. I wanted to look into law enforcement. A few members of my family are police officers. I reached out to them, wanting to know about the process, and what I needed to do. I did the necessary paperwork, and signed up for the exam. I was nervous that day. There were thousands of men and women with the same objective as my own. We sat in a quiet, hot classroom crammed together like sardines in a can, sweating, looking at the clock making sure we had enough time to complete the exam. It then became a waiting game. Waiting by the phone, waiting by the mailbox for a sign of what's next. I finally got a letter telling me to report to headquarters in a suit and tie. I had to be there by 7:30 AM sharp, late comers would be turned away. I got no sleep the night before, and was there by 7 AM. After completing the process, I was eventually denied. I felt like I was stabbed in the chest. I was devastated, and saddened by what was happening to me. I'm beyond angry at this point, but I didn't give in easily. I appealed the decision, had my hearing, and was still denied without a clear reason as to why. I contacted a lawyer, and was told that to take my case, it would cost $10,000. I was left with two options. Come up with the money, or move on. I choose to move on. At the time, I couldn't take on such a financial burden. I had to think smarter, wiser. I still didn't give up. I went another direction. I found someone to recommend me to attend a police academy, put up my own money, attended, and graduated. I currently am a Boston School Police Officer. I enjoy my work, and it is here where I found my next stepping stone. I am back in school now. I want to see why our young people do what they do. I want to see why they go through what they go through, and find solutions to help them. There is still a common connection buried deep in this mess. Helping others is the person I've become. It's what I want to do. I'm very passionate about it. It took all the ups and downs, the set backs, the letters of denial, and the nights of going to bed crying for me to see my path. It's all up to me now. I had to learn the hard way, which was the intended plan for me from the start. I have no regrets with how things played out. I was exposed to life, how life is, and how life can be.

Work without reward

I swept floors and cleaned toilets for a living

People making money look at me grinning, cause they know I'm not winning

Cutting grass

Kissing ass

All for a small amount of cash

This nonsense had me mad

Packed my bags

Put a plan together fast

I need purpose

Make it all worth it

Had to stop the sudden urges

Of telling my boss to get lost

Or catch these knots from these rocks

Has to stop and regroup

Put my actions on mute

Execute an escape route

Had to let go of anger

Keep myself out of danger

Time to start from the top

Find my way

Craft my art

Time to do things with smarts

Wise up

play my part

Work without reward no more

Stay tuned for what's in store